i feel like somethings wrong with all of this. this time something feels out of place. i can't put my finger on it. i don't know what it is... it just feels wrong. somethings wrong. was this all just a dream? :(

dreams are meant to be just dreams. dreams arn't meant to come true. but when dreams start eating away at your heart, it's no longer a dream.

i have to try one more time, i don't know why... but i just feel like it could make a difference.

god....... i pray this isn't just another dream.

found this digging around an old diary...

12/29/04

"what made me think i'm any different now. i'm still the same as i always was, i still have the same exact flaws. i'm too hard on myself. this isn't the same flaw i've always had... it's just something that i really need to figure out. i really need to think about, because i don't know what to do. i don't want to be crushed, and i don't want to hide again. i just want to be happy. and i have been happy, but i'm greedy with happiness. and i always need more.

What I miss most about being a real person is being useful. Im a collective collaboration of everyone Ive ever met. Me? Unique? Special? Rare? Pffft. Not really. Nobody is what they make themselves out to be. Everybody is what the people in their lives makes them think they are.
Youre nothing until somebody else makes you useful. Im nothing until somebody else makes me somebody, something, anything. You're nothing until somebody hates you, until somebody loves you, until somebody needs you. The worst part about it is this... addiction of wanting to be something more... Just a little bit more. And when you get that little bit more... before you know it the plungers buried. The vein has closed, it's all already packed up your nose. And then it starts all over. You want a little bit more. Make me something you can't dismiss, make me something you can't live without. Make me something you can't stand to lose. Give me it all, give me everything. Put the world in my hand. Come on, just for a little while. I promise I'll try my hardest to never let you down.

more more more more more more more

i kind of just wished i was wanted by one person in general. i could give a fuck about everybody else, i never cared if they wanted me around or not. those people needed me, to make them money... to run their shit for them. i just want to be happy. i just wanna be happy. i just wish i wasn't everybodys tool to make their lives easier. i just wish i was someone special to someone special. i used to be a quick piece of ass, and it always made me feel better to be someones novelty. i dont want to be a novelty, i dont want to be a quick meal, i want to be something more. i just want to be just enough to be special. i want just enough to be special enough.

i'm tired of feeling alone.
i'm tired of being afraid.
i'm sad because i don't know why
i'm sad because i don't know why."

i'm feeling lonely. i'm in absolute regret for punishing the one closest to my heart because of my insecurities. i was punishing her for being honest. regardless of the past, i had no right. i fuck up on a regular basis... just not as bad as i've fucked up this time, and i'm afraid that this just might be the end.

there is no end for me. the way i feel will never go away, it never went away before... but this time is so very different. this time itmultiplied and was taken to another level. and i will probably punish anybody who tries to come close to me like she is. i'll punish them by keeping them at a distance... because nobody can compare to her in my eyes.

she will always be the brightest star in the sky.

i think it's time to go get that tattoo, and this one won't be one i consider a scar like all the rest.

i used to get tattoos so i'd never forget the pain of an ending. but this tattoo is going to be completely different. i don't have to get a tattoo to remember this feeling which for once isn't pain... it's love.

and people will ask... they always will i'm sure. "what did you get that for?"... and i'll explain, but i don't think many will understand. but that doesn't matter to be because

i will look at it and smile. they won't have to understand, because i DO understand and i will always know what's in my heart.

<3 Ed

forgiving and forgetting are two different things.

i've forgiven, but i will never forget how i felt that night.

i've forgotten a lot of things. and i've forgiven the worse things. but i can't forget.

i was crushed that night she told me about her future with a huge smile, telling me i should be happy for her. i told her to come pick up her stuff... because i didn't matter after that night... i didn't matter because her future was a future without me.

and i disappeared that night, but not just from her life. i lost a lot of myself that night.

and that's why i'm going nuts.

i havent forgot and i will never forget. the reassurance i need is because of that... i need to know that won't happen again. because i won't make it through that again, i won't be the same. i don't want to lose myself again... in the end i would find myself, but there would be giant holes in my heart... from where she used to be.

new demo.

run away

http://www.myspace.com/optionexplicit

-Ed

maybe i'm doing the wrong thing.

but i've never felt like this, i know it will never completely go away... i don't know what to do.

fuck me.

-Ed

exactly one year ago:

The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close-up. The shortcut to closing a door is to bury yourself in details. I'm tired of looking at everything under a mental microscope and I'm tired of slamming doors that didn't need to be. Fuckabees.

Ed

i'll admit, i'm depressed... it's when i'm depressed that i realize my biggest mistakes... and all i can do now is try to fix what i feel i've broken. i miss some of the things i have broken.

blah.

-Ed

and now it's time to drink.

Everything I see inside was never meant to be,
All the things imaginary
Things you couldn’t see.

This false respect, reverence, value, and all these thoughts
Never seem to do a lot
Things I’ve always sought

On the way to Oxford town, I found another way
Just another way to stray
To let me run away

I’m running from a past that seemed so long departed
I’m exactly where I started
Alone and broken-hearted.

so i got invited to goto some 3 day xbox 360 party in the middle of the desert in california. should i go?

my late halloween story. sitting out by redrock at midnight on halloween, bumping bohemian rhapsody... some donkeys out in the middle of the canyon were being slaughtered, dare i say.... sacrificed? there were people out in the canyon, we saw the lights... and those donkeys didn't sound like they were having a "good time" either. it was this.. yelling almost... and it quited down into snorts... and then silence... it was crazy.

it scared the shit out of us.

so we left.

<3 Ed